Hope and Heartbreak
I’m feeling both excited and anxious in sharing the most challenging season of my life. I pray that those who read this find hope and encouragement and that the Lord brings His light into your life.
I originally had this first blog written out all together, but decided to break it into two parts. In this first one, I share how this journey started in hope but moved to heartbreak.
As I continue to share this story and at times, our story, I want to share my experiences. I’m excited watching my husband share his own journey - the highs and lows, the victories and defeats, the miracles and lessons. But that’s his story to tell, his experiences to share.
Welcome to our journey!
HOPE
I still remember the phone call in November 2019. Chris had gotten his results and was given the diagnosis of bipolar. Chris had been battling highs and lows for many years so this diagnosis didn’t scare us - it gave us hope. I remember thinking “Now we have a name and we can attack it head on.” It was no longer hovering in the dark, waiting for its next chance to attack.
HEARTBREAK
But I was wrong. The next 9 months, the enemy used this diagnosis and came at us in a way I had never experienced. I remember saying to my husband, “I thought knowing would make things easier, but they only seem to be getting worse.” My heart was breaking as I watched Chris doing his best to fight but every time progress would happen, another hurdle would pop up.
I couldn’t help but constantly question the Lord:
“Why?” I would say. “Chris is doing everything he can to walk in victory over this. He is leaning into Your guidance more than ever. Why is this road never ending in potholes and speed bumps?”
As we journeyed through the next 9 months, my focus began to shift into how to best support Chris. I wanted to learn how to recognize when he was experiencing different moods and know how to “fix” it. However, each of these times I had to learn that I was never going to be able to do that - not in the way I wanted. The way I wanted was to remove all pain and frustration he felt when this disease reared its ugly head. But I couldn’t; in all honesty, the best thing I could do was ask him what he needed in that moment and do that.
Sometimes it was as simple as embracing him. Other times, it wasn’t so easy. There were times he didn’t know what he needed (to which I would offer different ideas - 9 times out of 10, that wasn’t helpful).
But the most challenging response for me was when he would say there was nothing I could do.
Those words would spin around in my head, echoing over and over -
“There’s nothing you can do.”
There were many times he would say this and I would allow myself to feel hurt and wonder “why doesn’t he need me?”. I have slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) struggled with learning that these moments are not about me. More importantly, learning that I need to fully surrender to God and remind myself that anything I try to do for Chris doesn’t even compare to what He can and is doing for him.
It’s now been almost 3 years since Chris’ diagnosis and looking back on our journey, I realize the many places and times I didn’t release Chris into the hands of God. I also realize I didn’t release myself to Him.
I think of Hannah from 1 Samuel. She is a beautiful example of surrendering who you love to God. She released her precious son, a son she longed for and prayed for her whole life. She released him to serve God “all the days of his life.” 1 Samuel 1:11.
I can imagine the fear she felt at the thought of not being the person to protect her son and trust the Lord would be his Protector. I can imagine the sadness on that day as she knew there was nothing more she could do for him. But I also imagine the joy and anticipation at the thought of what God would do in Samuel’s life.
“There is no one holy like the Lord;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.”
1 Samuel 2:2
Is there someone or something in your life that you need to truly surrender to God? Allowing Him the opportunity and space to do what only He can do!
I pray that if you are in a season of heartbreak or hopelessness, that you seek the Lord. I pray that you pursue all He has for you. And I trust that He will bring you out of this season into one full of joy and peace - joy and peace that are only found through Him.
xoxo,
Sarah
