Brokenness to Breakthrough
I’m so glad you are here with me as I continue to share this season of my life. If you didn’t read the first blog in the series, please go read Hope and Heartbreak first and then come back and join me in the next part of this journey!
Brokenness/Loneliness
I remember a period of time at the beginning of 2020 until around May when I felt more distant from God than ever before. I had no desire to read His Word, to pray, to pursue Him. I felt as though I was stuck in quicksand; unable to move forward - only able to see what was right in front of me.
One evening, I got together with one of my dearest friends. She had been on an amazing journey with the Lord and her faith was soaring! She kept sharing all that God was telling her; how He had been pushing her to step out in bold faith. I remember looking at her face and thinking back to when my face would hold the same excitement and joy - like nothing is impossible! Oh how I wanted that again. But all I could think was “How?”
Then the conversation moved to me. How was I doing? In this moment, I shared with her about Chris’ diagnosis, how he (or so I thought) was doing great with anything and everything the enemy threw at him. However, I wasn’t.
I was open with her about how distant God felt, how I never heard His voice and that I didn’t see a way out of this. She did exactly what I needed, she listened. I wasn’t needing a solution; I already knew what the solution was because of God’s truth.
He never left me, He never stopped pursuing me, and He continued to protect me - all while I was on this difficult journey.
“The Lord your God in your midst,The Mighty One, will save;He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love,He will rejoice over you with singing.”-Zephaniah 3:17
Read more about this sweet conversation here: God’s Intimacy, God’s Pursuit, and God’s Suddenly
BREAKTHROUGH
Have you ever started reading a book and it just wasn’t connecting with you? So you put it down only to pick it back up after some time has passed and it ends up being exactly what you needed? This is exactly what happened to me!
I had another friend bless me with a new book to read. She is Free by Andi Andrew (I highly recommend that every woman have this book in her library). I began reading but with the state of mind I was struggling in, I couldn’t connect with it. So I put it down for a while.
Then, towards the end of summer 2020, I felt an eagerness to pick it back up.
When I put this book back in my hands, I thought I had already experienced the breakthrough I needed and was standing in God’s ultimate peace. But I discovered it was the exact opposite and the Lord placed it on my mind to speak directly to this; to allow me to experience the freedom I so badly wanted and needed. But before this freedom, came another period of pain. Thankfully the pain didn’t stay long and it also brought about incredible growth.
As I read through the chapter on fear, I realized that it wasn’t peace that flooded my life. It was fear.
I was literally paralyzed in this fear.
The realization of this brought about a flood of emotions; but the one that crashed over me the hardest was realizing that this fear had trapped and isolated me to the point where I couldn’t help myself and even worse, I stopped pursuing and supporting my husband. If I am being completely honest, in that moment I realized how much I had truly abandoned him.
This thought still brings tears to my eyes and an aching in my heart. But it also taught me so many other things:
❤︎ I was able to experience an overwhelming sense of gratitude for those closest to us. The Lord revealed to me that during this time in which I was lost and disconnected, He had strategically surrounded Chris with many blessings of support. These precious people were beyond willing to step up for Chris in a way I wasn’t.
❤︎ I learned how important it is to discern the works and lies of the enemy. He used my moment of weakness to make me feel alone and isolated. But as I look back on this journey, I see God’s hand every step of the way! Praise the Lord!
❤︎ I also experienced, in a whole new way, the grace of God. Hebrews 4:16 says to “approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive His mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
• Yes, this time in my life was difficult and full of disappointment. • Yes, I still feel the heartache from when I wasn’t the support my husband needed. • Yes, the darkness I felt during that time is still a close memory.•
But now, when I look back at that time and remember the struggles, it’s not fear that takes over. It’s the power, presence, and grace of God. It’s the truth and promise of knowing that through Christ, I overcame one of the most darkest times in my life and the next time the enemy tries to bring me those lies, I will recognize them and continue to walk in the truth of God.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
I didn’t receive instant relief; the weight of these experiences didn’t go away as soon as I realized it existed. BUT, day by day, I began to feel it peeling away, the weight slowly releasing. And although the process took some time, I know God was teaching me in those little moments of relief. He was showing His love for me in a new way and before I knew it, His love and grace flooded my life like never before.
There are many reasons I want to share this journey with you. Maybe you are experiencing a mental illness and darkness seems to be all around you. Maybe someone you love is struggling with a mental illness and you don’t know how to support them. Maybe you feel like you’ve been stuck and God is nowhere to be found.
You, my sweet friend, are not alone! I know what it’s like to feel stuck in a pit that you can’t get out of, but you can! Just remember, you can’t do it by your own strength. You need God! And I am here supporting you, cheering for you, loving you, praying for you, calling out your breakthrough!
There’s so much more to this journey; much that I have still to discover. Much that Chris and I still have to discover together! I hope you continue to join me in sharing how God has saved me and brought about a new calling over my life, my husband’s, and our marriage. And I pray that it brings you hope in your own journey.
Xoxo,
Sarah
